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My Lesser Confessions
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Monday, September 12th, 2005 00:13 - Newsgroups
green but smiling
I just spent two hours reading sfnet.keskustelu.huumeet (a Finnish drug discussion newsgroup). It was funny in it's own twisted way for the most frequent poster was a guy who was passionately against drugs and among other things didn't believe the official data of drug use in Finland or any research data whose conclusions he didn't agree with and wrote "I'm right and anyone who disagrees with me is glorifying drugs." Another people mostly just tried to prove him that he is wrong. A bit disturbing thing is that he seemed to be dead serious (or then a troll with way too much time in his hands - there were something like 150 of his (usually very long) messages in one month only). In it's own way it's also sad that the newsgroup is like that nowadays, few years back I remember some really intelligent and critical discussions from there... on the whole it seems that the level of the discussion in Finnish newsgroups has gone way down - on politics newsgroup there were people seriously suggesting that all Muslims should be killed because no one can know which ones of them are terrorists.

Actually focusing on newsgroups was not such a bright idea for I could have spent that two hours reading for my examination that I have next Saturday. I'm not hopelessly behind my reading schedule, but since my next week is really busy (including eight hours tomorrow - or actually today since it's past midnight already), few extra pages wouldn't have done any harm.

As one might have guessed, I now have Internet connection also at my Helsinki-home. Somehow it just seems that I have so much other things to do than update my LJ. But I'll still try to do that every now and then.
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005 15:51 - Slovenia and self-esteem
green but smiling
So I came back home on 26th, but ever since I have been so tired that I have had no energy to think of writing in English. Physically I was tired because I ended up staying awake for the last few nights of the trip because everything was so great and I knew I might never again be able to hang out with the exact same people together.

I was and am still also tired because of the mental effects of the whole trip and EJC. It was so great and I feel like I'm no longer even the same person who left there. I feel a little bit like after my few positive experiences with psychedelics. Like... I did realize that people are not hostile at all times. That I can hang out with people and their first thought isn't "gosh she's annoying, I wish she'd go away". I realized that my friends are really my friends, that I can trust them. I've had this problem that I think everyone to be worth trusting until proved otherwise, but deep down I have never really trusted most people. I can do and say stupid things and most people are not going to start to hate me for it. I've had this problem ever since comprehensive school that I laugh a lot and say things that are sort of out of place, especially when I get nervous. Because I was bullied for it at school I thought it to be something really terrible and annoying and I have always tried to control it. But now I get to hear this "yeah, I've noticed that you giggle a lot, but so what, that's you" and it made me feel so good. And I also realized that I have no reason to feel insecure about my looks. Ok, I don't look like a supermodel or anything, but most people don't! It's not that I should be ashamed the way I look when it's me and my body anyway. Theh, I probably sound like a mix of an ecstatic hippie and those information campaigns that try to improve young people's trust in themselves, but this way of thinking is just so new to me that I just have to be a bit enthusiastic about it.

I'm not going to write a detailed description of what happened on that EJC trip because so much happened and I stopped writing my journey diary after we got to Slovenia because there was so much happening that needed participating instead of writing. But we did get there after some unexpected events (like driving 40 km to the wrong direction, crossing by accident the Czech border instead of Slovakian and driving over 24 hours because of finding no place to sleep). EJC was the greatest festival I've ever been to, full of hippies and nice people, beer was cheap, food was cheap, next to the festival site was a waterpark where it cost something like 4 € to go. The only negative thing was that it rained for couple days and as a result everything was muddy and my tent and most of my clothes got wet and started to smell really bad (luckily I got to sleep in the car after that). And everything ended too soon, before I really knew it was 21st and people were taking down their tents. The way back to Finland was better than to Slovenia because we weren't in a terrible hurry and Mika who had been with us on last year's EJC trip came with us back to Finland. Six people in the car were nicer than five because it had consisted of two dating couples and I had felt a little like, well the fifth person (not that anyone had done anything to make me feel like that, but well, people dating usually do things together and so on). We stopped in Budapest for a day and had great time, someday I'd really want to visit the city again. After that we drove quite straight to Tallinn, only stopping to sleep.

Now I should concentrate on reading for exams. First one should be on 17th if I have energy to finish three more books. My schedule now looks quite nice, I cold bloodedly dropped few courses that I would have wanted to take but would not have had energy to.
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005 19:35(no subject)
green but smiling
The study guide of Faculty of Social Sciences has finally been updated. And just as predictable, the methodology course of Social Policy is held at the same time as Russian history course. On the other hand my schedule was so full already that it would have been a small wonder if there would have been a free place for it. I think I still should try to find out could I drop something out of my schedule since there's no way I'll be able to study worth of 46 study points (I earned 62 last year, book examinations included). Or I might be able to, but I know I'll want to do other things too and I can't stand the stress that is caused by combining too little time, too much work and active social life. Of course I know hanging out with my friends is not what for I moved to Helsinki, but I just know I won't spend all my time sitting at home studying. But I really don't want to worry any more about this until I get back from Slovenia.

I have been trying to plan what to take with me. Actually I have been planning that for about three days now. But well, after all I can leave packing for tomorrow evening if I want to, but I'd really like to make sure I'll take everything necessary. But well, I guess I'm going to overpack slightly and forget few items I would have really needed, just as always.

One good thing is that my cousin gave me her flowersticks. A friend of hers had made them and she doubted there was something wrong with them because she hadn't learned to do anything with them. To me they seem to be alright, the flower parts are bit long so they occasionally get tangled with the handsticks and they look a bit self-made with insulation tape all over. But I don't really mind, now I can take those with me and I don't have to buy anything from Slovenia unless I want to (and unless those break up - the insulation tape does look suspicious, but I guess it should hold).

I'm really looking forward to getting on the road, it has been great to spend summer with my parents, but it's also great to get to do something on my own. Another nice thing is that I'll be free from that relationships-stuff (that will be waiting for me when I get back to Finland) so I can just.. well, be on holiday.

The official movie-part of the update: I watched Black Sabbath (unlike I have been writing in few past entries, I didn't not watch Black Sunday that is a different film I also happen to have on my computer) on Sunday and liked it a lot more than my former Bava film Lisa And The Devil. It consists of three different horror stories that are actually fairly scary. The plots are not too original in the horror genre (although I'm not sure have they been more original at the time when the film was made than today) and actors are not often too credible (among others, there are 19th century Eastern European women from the countryside wearing nail polish and heavy make up), but somehow the movie still works. Especially the second story, "Wurdalak", is one of the best vampire films I have seen for a long time. It is probably the only vampire film ever that I've thought to have any scary elements at all. And well, it must also be one of those few vampire films I have seen that seems to have more common with the myths of Eastern European folklore than the usual vampire created by Stocker and Hammer-films.

So I guess that's it. I'm probably not going to update again until I get back home.
Friday, August 5th, 2005 21:14 - Worries, thoughts and frustration
green but smiling
I haven't updated for a while. I have mainly spent last few days translating LiveJournal and worrying about my studies. Both activities are somewhat frustrating. I can't see no point in translating FAQ's like "What is a RSS feed" because there is no real terminology for such things in Finnish. At least not such terminology an occasional 15-years old LJ-user would understand. But I guess I'm making myself problems out of nowhere; after all there's nothing forcing me to translate (except the ambition to make that Finnish: translated x% say 100%).

The thing that is actually giving me more stress is my studies. I have tried to plan but somehow I can't come out with reasonable scedule that would allow me to study everything I'd neet to. Besides that there's still not information about certain courses' dates and times. Otherwise it would probably be too early to worry, but I'll be in Slovenia (or on my way there or back) from 11th to 24th of August and my studies should start 5th of September. Of course that leaves me with over a week's time to plan, but I'm just that kind of person who wants to know everything as early as possible. But well, there are positive things about my studies too, like that I'm interested in nearly all courses I'm planning to take (and it's not that I haven't taken those boring courses, I just find my studies fairly interesting most of the time).

So I'm off to Slovenia next Thursday. For few weeks I've been feeling by turns depressed and excited about it. It's great to get to Eastern Europe, but I'm a bit worried because I'm not sure how well I'll get along with people, how well I'm able to communicate with people and because I'm going to EJC and I can't juggle. The last thing is probably nothing to worry about, after all I can try to learn there, but originally I was hoping that there would be people who are going to explore nearby countries and that I could go with them. Now it seems everyone is going to EJC and I'm not feeling like doing the exploring alone, so I'll be going to EJC too. But I try not to be too negative. I can always take this as a unique experience.
Sunday, July 31st, 2005 23:02 - More movies (and everyday life)
green but smiling
I just came home after a 30 km bicycling trip to Harjavalta and back. Otherwise nothing special has happened today. In the morning I made pizza for my parents while they were in the nearby woods picking blueberries. Then I tried to watch Leprechaun in the Hood, but when nothing that funny or interesting had happened after 40 minutes I decided that there is no reason why I should waste my time with it.

I would still have Black Sunday unwatched on my computer. I was supposed to watch it yesterday, but a movie called Red Psalm that was on TV and was supposed to be about Hungarian peasant rebellion in the late 1890's. I expected some sort of historical drama but what I get is a highly symbolical movie where people mainly dance, run around naked and look more like hippies than 19th century peasants (well, I don't know much about Hungarian 19th century peasants, but my wild guess is that they didn't wear bright white and clean clothes and spend their days playing the guitar and singing). The movie was not literally bad, but incomprehensible, for I had no idea what the actual history behind the plot was. Only thing I enjoyed while watching was the great music that included traditional Hungarian and leftist songs.

I keep having a feeling that I get nothing done. (Someone might suggest that I should watch less movies.) I should read for the examination in September. But I just can't get myself to focus on it. I'd want to go to Helsinki. Yesterday I exchanged SMSs' with a person who I like a lot and who lives there and I felt kind of desperate. I know it's really stupid always to have a crush on somebody and feel constantly desperate. But I honestly can't help it. I'd want there to be someone who I could just get along with and forget about this relationship stress for a while. Although I'm not sure is it possible. With Aleksi it worked for a while, but then I started getting stressed about that I don't love him enough and then about that I like a certain person more than him and and and. Ok. I know whining here about (these) things doesn't help.
Thursday, July 28th, 2005 22:41 - Positive feelings for a change
green but smiling
Today has been a fairly good one. I read hundred pages of Age Of Extremes (well, I still have 500 to go and after that 6 other books to read, but at least I did something) and bicycled home from my parents' cottage. After few days of passive sitting and feeling miserable about myself, I'm feeling quite good.

Nothing much worth mentioning has happened after my last entry. On Tuesday I watched a movie called Shock Waves. The idea of underwater nazi-zombies was not so ridiculous as it sounds and the film had some scenes that were actually a bit scary, but on the whole it wasn't anything that special. On Tuesday I also talked in IRC with Risto. He is the first person ever who I have seen to write there complete sentences with capital letters in the beginning - and I've been said to be formal in IRC... But our discussion was quite interesting, we mostly talked about Finnish school system and social pressure there. It's nice to have a serious discussion once in a while - I rarely take part in those outside the Internet and since my computer use has been less frequent than it used to be, I have not been having them for some time.

Yesterday I mowed my parents' lawn and discovered that I have SNES emulator on my computer. After downloading Kirby's Dream Land 3 I spent rest of the evening playing it. I somehow love all those rainbow coloured platformers. I don't know is it because of smoking too much pot or because I never got to play them enough in my childhood. Luckily old SNES games are so hard that I always get frustrated with them at some point and that stops me from playing for weeks (like I know some of my friends have done after discovering console emulators).

I'd have Black Sunday on my computer and it interests me for I'd want to know if I like it more than Lisa And The Devil (both are directed by Mario Bava). At least the plot sounds more classical on Black Sunday. But I'm not sure am I going to watch it today, for it's so late already and I should wash my hair.
Tuesday, July 26th, 2005 17:37 - Home again
green but smiling
So I'm back from Turku. The housewarming party was fun, I got well along with almost everyone. Next day I had one of my worst hangovers ever (even though I had not drunk that much). Despite having a good time I'm now feeling a bit blue because I so clearly relized in Turku what a mess my relationships are. It's nothing really dramatic, at least not so dramatic as it may sound. It's just that I haven't been that honest to people. I haven't lied to anyone, but generally I have left several things untold. Because of this, there is at least one person who thinks that there's something more between us than there really is. And yes, I'm completely aware that a sensible and fair person would now go and explain what is really going on in order not to hurt anyone's feelings. But I'm not that person. And it's bothering me.

Before leaving for Turku I then watched Psych-Out that wasn't really as bad as I had expected. The movie was by no means realistic (especially the drug-scenes were bad, although not the worst I have seen - the film was partially able to capture the fear and paranoia caused by a bad trip, but then it goes overboard when trying to make the spectators believe that people normally see knights and zombies on LSD) but in it's own way entertaining. I'm not that much into those "cute" youth movies where the plot largely twists around two people's romantical relationship. Especially if I can't relate to those people in any way. But as such movie, Psych-Out was still bearable. Extra points come from longhaired Jack Nicholson and good music. I surely would have loved the film if I had seen it about five years ago.

I guess I'll go for a walk now.
Friday, July 22nd, 2005 21:54 - Lisa And The Devil
green but smiling
I didn't like Lisa And The Devil. And I'm going to tell to my friend who recommended it, that it was rather psychotic than psychedelic (according to my old faithful companion, The Webster's Online Dictionary, the difference of the two: psychotic = 1. (medicine) suffering from psychosis and psychedelic = 1. Producing distorted sensory perceptions and feelings or altered states of awareness or sometimes states resembling psychosis; "psychedelic drugs like psilocybin and mescaline". 2. Having the vivid colors and bizarre patterns associated with psychedelic states; "a psychedelic painting". 3. Of a mental state characterized by intense and distorted perceptions and hallucinations and feelings of euphoria or sometimes despair; "a psychedelic experience".).

The movie is about a woman, Lisa, who is on holiday in Spain an sees a fresco of the devil. Little later she sees a man who looks like the devil in the fresco and after that gets lost. She meets a man and wife and their driver who give her a ride, but their car breaks in the outskirts of the city. There is a house where live mother, son and their servant who is the man who resembles devil and who Lisa saw earlier that day. The dwellers of the house promise that Lisa and the couple can stay in their house until they get their car working. At this point things get very weird. Possible spoilers, I don't recommend reading in case you plan to watch the movie.Collapse ) The plot being weak or unlogical hasn't often bothered me in Italian horror (or in many other horror movies I have watched). But it was boring. The actors were made to look like they were from a old porn film. Actually, if I hadn't known better, I would have expected the movie turn into a porn film any moment. It taught no valuable moral lessons, nor was entertaining. There were couple scenes with very intense atmosphere and the ending was "nice" (although in a way very classical when it comes to horror movies), but on the whole it felt like waste of time.

Since it's raining and I'm planning to continue with movies tonight. I intend to continue my quest for the psychedelic movie with Psych-Out. Unlike with Lisa And The Devil, I really don't expect much because of the reviews I have read of the movie. I only want to see it because it's of hippies and has Jack Nicholson in it.

Other things in my life are ok. Because of the rain, I have felt really unproductive. I have read some old Voima-magazines (sort of independent green-leftist-activist magazine) I found from my closet. They were interesting and made me wonder how fast time passes. I still remember news of Göteborg and Genoa like they had been just year or two ago. I also discovered some even more distant memories in form of cds', such as The Who Sell Out and Dylan And The Dead. I also found some compilation that included such songs as REM's Man On The Moon and Oasis' Wonderwall. I felt like I was 15 again. And I also felt that maybe all 90's popular music excluding Nirvana and Manics wasn't as terrible as I remembered.

But I guess I should stop and watch the movie instead, I have been writing this entry for about two hours now.
Thursday, July 21st, 2005 18:33 - Nothing is getting done
green but smiling
After about a week of little sleep, I finally was able to sleep 8 hours last night. I'm not feeling more awake, but I guess it's still positive. At least I didn't have to lay awake and get bored for three or four hours. Nothing much happening today. I have been on my computer and noticed that I have at least dozen, supposedly good unwatched movies on my computer. Apparently I have downloaded them from somewhere before I moved to Helsinki and then forgotten about them. I should be really watching and deleting or burning them on cd for I'm running out of memory on my computer. I guess I could try to watch one tonight, maybe Lisa And The Devil. I remember someone telling that it's really beautiful and psychedelic, a bit like Suspiria (I recently found out that Suspiria is going to be refilmed in the US - the remake will very likely be terrible, but I really don't mind, it's not going to stop me from loving the original film).

On Tuesday I was in Helsinki with my parents. I picked my mails from my apartment and few books from student library for autumn's examinations. I also cleaned up a bit and emptied my fridge. All those things made me feel like a good person, but in a way it was slightly disappointing to be there and not see anyone I know. Of course it was not likely that I would see anyone - even when I lived there it was not common for me to see acquaintances in the student library or when I was walking somewhere. I could have called someone and asked if they would want to see me, but in the end I didn't feel like it - after all I was there only for few hours and I had to follow my parents' schedule.

Yesterday I bicycled to my parents' cottage and went swimming. It felt great to do something physical. Despite that I'm feeling not that well right now. I just have too many things to do. Mainly I should exercise and read for the examinations, but there are also smaller things I should and would want to do like updating my homepages. And I end up just feeling that I get nothing done and sit in front of my computer instead, reading people's LJ's or checking my e-mail ten times a day. My inability to take care of important things sometimes frustrates me badly. I should study because I know it'll be painful to read for the book examinations in the autumn when I will have lecture courses going and Left Youth activities and friends. And still I can't get myself to do anything.

I don't even have that much time since I'm going to Turku with Risto this weekend to his friend's housewarming party and then I'll go to EJC in Slovenia for two weeks in August. So that leaves me with about a month time to finish eight books. But I guess I'll go for a walk, I'm nervous and my head hurts and all this sitting isn't probably going to help. Seems it started to rain really hard. My head still hurts. *Sigh*
Sunday, July 17th, 2005 22:15 - A quiet day again
green but smiling
I have done nothing but sat in front of my computer all day. I'm not even that sure what I've been doing. But without a doubt something important. My shoulders and feet hurt because I danced so much yesterday at the local rock "festival" where played Pelle Miljoona (I was not able to find a reasonable English bio of him, so shortly speaking he has been recording since 1980's, back then punk, nowadays more reggae and rock). I haven't really danced for ages if moshing and jumping at FM2000's (these pages are also in Finnish - shortly very heavy, dark and ruff music) gig after Left Youth's general assembly doesn't count. I just wonder what the locals thought because there were only few people dancing and most of them were just swaying peacefully to the music. I have a bit strange reputation here, I guess it goes back to my times in upper comprehensive school where I had no friends and dressed differently and liked different things than most others.

I came home just in time to watch The Red and the White that was really impressive movie. I guess everyone won't like it - my mother thought it was boring and meaningless for it had no real main characters - but I liked how so little talk and somewhat little action could create such imposing scenes. Especially the end was very touching - again, my mother commented "what, that was it then?", but I think it represented the senselessness of war better than most things I've seen or read. Except for maybe the end, the movie was more of a "feeling" than "thinking" movie. The anti-war message is fairly clear, but the melancholic atmosphere of the film drew me in it, to sort of experience the things that happened.

I think I'm so tired that I'm not even going for a walk today. I guess I'll try to sleep well tonight and then make a longer bicycling trip tomorrow or something. I'll just go and read 10 Days That Shook The World that I found from used books' shop in Pori. The book is really interesting, but I constantly find myself hoping that I would have read some more objective and organized description before starting it. I only have a rough picture of the events of the October Revolution and it's sometimes really hard to follow what's happening, sometimes it's hard to believe what Reed writes.
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